Gus

Is this the first “ain’t no law” movie? I don’t know. I’m not sure how you’d even go about researching that. Wikipedia lists two other movies involving the exact same premise, one with a hockey-playing chimp and the other, of course, Air Bud. I’d note that there is a radio play written by Yes Actually That Arthur Miller wherein a cat becomes a politician because there is in fact no rule a cat can’t run for mayor. Presumably Miller was young and needed money at the time. But that isn’t quite the situation we have here, because the cat there could talk.

The California Atoms are the worst team in the NFL. They have no players worth a salary, their head coach is Don Knotts, and even their cheerleaders look more like soccer moms at best. Owner Hank Cooper (Ed Asner) is in despair. His perky assistant, Debbie Kovac (Liberty Williams), tries to cheer him up by showing a clipping about a mule in Yugoslavia that can kick a soccer ball a hundred yards. They sign the mule for halftime shows. The mule comes along with his young owner, Andy Petrovic (Gary Grimes). Andy’s brother, Stjepan (Jackson Bostwick), is the greatest soccer player in Europe, and Mama (Hanna Hertelendy) and Papa Titos Vandis) Petrovic are very proud of Stjepan and don’t worry much about Andy.

When Andy gets to the US, Mr. Cooper assigns Debbie to keep him from being too bewildered and homesick. Much to the dismay of her boyfriend, Rob Cargil (Dick Butkus). Mr. Cooper ends up being corralled into a bet with rival team owner Charles Gwynn (Harold Gould) that the Atoms will win the Super Bowl, a phrase you could still say in a movie in those days. (Of course, the NFL helped with this movie.) Mr. Cooper decides, you know, ain’t no rule, and Gus becomes the star player for the Atoms. So Mr. Gwynn hires recently released criminals Spinner (Tom Bosley) and Crankcase (Tim Conway) to sabotage Gus, Andy, or both.

This is frankly too much plot, and it doesn’t help that there’s a far-too-long sequence wherein Spinner and Crankcase are trying to corral Gus in a supermarket. We barely see any of Debbie’s relationship with Rob before he immediately launches into jealousy of Andy, and we don’t really get time for Andy and Debbie’s relationship to bloom. We’re just supposed to take it for granted. We get a little of Andy projecting his daddy issues onto Mr. Cooper, but only a little. I’m not sure we ever do find out how anyone for the Mammoths finds out that Spinner and Crankcase exist. My feelings about the cheerleaders are too long to unpack here.

I do like Debbie, Andy, and Mr. Cooper, from what we see of them. Oh, sure, Mr. Cooper’s your standard Ed Asner character. He’s short and crusty and smokes a cigar and has a secret heart of gold. But I like that kind of character, so that’s fine. Debbie is indeed perky, but she’s kind and intelligent, too, and she could be developed easily if anyone tried. Andy is not given much to do. He’s determined, but we also never really see what he’s capable of. Is he smart? We don’t know. He is determined to be worthy of the kindness of Mr. Cooper, and he’s got a crush on Debbie, but that’s about all we know about him other than that he’s afraid his father is right.

This movie has a truly bewildering array of ‘70s celebrities. Asner, Knotts, Gould, Bosley, and Conway, we’ve already mentioned, likewise Butkus. But the announcers are played by Johnny Unitas, as himself, and Bob Crane in his final film role. Dick Van Patten shows up for the second week in a row, and Ronnie Schell has a minor role. Richard Kiel gets a cameo threatening Dick Butkus. Stu Nahan, an LA sportscaster, plays himself. Timothy Brown, who was on M*A*S*H before someone pointed out there were no black doctors in MASH units, has a minor role, as does John Orchard.

It is exactly as light a movie as you’d imagine, given the story. I can’t help thinking we could do a lot more with it if we eliminated at least two plots. My preference would be Rob, who takes about five or ten minutes and doesn’t go anywhere, and Spinner and Crankcase, who take up at least half an hour and don’t go anywhere. I suppose they’re supposed to show how desperate Gwynn is to win his bet, but it gets very tedious very quickly. The bet doesn’t add a ton to the movie, either, come to that.