No Deposit No Return

This is not on Disney+. And while I’m not saying it’s Disney’s best movie—at least four of the people in it have done better Disney movies off the top of my head—it certainly passes what we around here call the Castaway Cowboy test. Maybe it’s less ethnically diverse than The Castaway Cowboy, despite mostly being set in Los Angeles; minus a brief James Hong part, the entire cast is white. It does actually manage to pass Bechdel, as two female characters have a conversation at the beginning that lays out the entire history you need to know for the plot to go forward. And the James Hong character is treated with some basic respect and is not just a racist caricature. Also, there are more genuinely funny moments and fewer insufferable ones, even if it isn’t exactly funny and, you know, sufferable.

Tracy (Kim Richards) and Jay (Brad Savage) Osborne are in a private boarding school. It’s Easter vacation, and they’re looking forward to spending it with their mother (eventually Barbara Feldon), but she is a magazine executive who, for reasons, has to be in Hong Kong. So the children are going to be spending vacation with their grandfather, J.W. Osborne (David Niven). He’s not happy about it. Neither are the children. They decide they’re going to figure out a way to go visit their mother instead. It seems they hardly ever see her, and they never have a father mentioned—either their mother wasn’t married to him or, presumably, their father is dead.

Meanwhile, Duke (Darren McGavin) and Bert (Don Knotts) owe Big Joe (Vic Tayback) on a loan. Duke is a brilliant safecracker who also happens to be extremely unlucky and never made money at it. He decided to go straight and borrowed the money from Big Joe to start a garage, but, for reasons, it’s not making money. They’re cracking a safe at the airport and are lucky to get away at all. And end up sharing a cab away with Tracy and Jay. Tracy decides to send her grandfather a ransom note. Duke and Bert are not thrilled about this. J.W., meanwhile, followed them home from the airport, knows exactly where they are, and hired a man to keep an eye on the apartment. He’s looking forward to this respite.

The fact that the notes sent about ransom for the two children combined with Bert’s rapidly decaying nerves makes it clear to anyone who knows their American fiction that the story is partially based on the classic O. Henry story “The Ransom of Red Chief,” though it’s hard to picture Tracy or Jay trying to burn Burt at the stake. Yes, there’s your bog-standard set piece where Burt chases Jay and his lost skunk, Duster, through an under-construction building. But Tracy, aside from being the one to start the whole kidnapping plot, does things like cook meals. Both kids get pinned as troublemakers, but it feels as though Tracy’s getting blamed for what Jay does.

But if you notice that Duke is a safecracker trying to go straight, and get told that another character is a police officer, Sergeant Turner (Herschel Bernardi), has spent many years trying to find this “phantom safecracker,” and are familiar with more O. Henry than just “The Ransom of Red Chief” and “Gift of the Magi,” you might be able to detect “A Retrieved Reformation” in its DNA. Not much of it—mostly it’s that particular relationship—but it means the climax of the movie won’t come as much of a surprise to you. And if you’re not familiar with it, do yourself the favour, because it’s some of the best writing William Sydney Porter ever did.

I don’t like the resolution to the issue with the kids’ mom. This is technically a spoiler, but it’s a 1976 Disney movie about two kids whose mom doesn’t spend enough time with them, so there are no surprises here. There are other options. Several that I can think of. It’s worth noting that the kids are the only ones who think that they could go out to Hong Kong to see her. And, sure, she’s working, but it’s also made explicit that she missed Christmas with them, and it seems unlikely they’d been seeing her over the summers, either. At that point, and with the money the family clearly has, you hire someone to travel with the kids and you have them come see you for holidays if you can’t be home.

One of the original reviews observed both that Disney was churning movies like this out in their sleep and that no one else was making them at all. And that’s still true. As a child, you can root for Tracy and Jay, and as an adult, you can identify with the various adult characters. While still wanting to swoop in and call Child Protective Services and report everyone concerned with neglect, of course. This is a family movie. It’s not the best; it’s not even the best one Disney put out that year. It’s still better than The Castaway Cowboy.